Bono sighs and props his heels up on the railing of the ship, staring past the tips of his boots out to sea. He folds his hands behind his head and watches the froth dance mischievously on the tips of the waves, rocking back in his chair and basking in the cool salt breeze. He sighs again, contentment washing over him. There have been few opportunities like this on the tour, precious moments when the singer has been able to simply relax and enjoy a little time alone with his thoughts. Bono revels in this solitude, this uninterrupted hiatus from the blitzkrieg of concert madness. Not a cloud in the sky, not a worry in the brain, only the quiet rushing of the ship's wake and the long, drawn-out groan of an extremely sea-sick man.

Bono : "For God's sake, Edge, why didn't you take Gravol like the rest of us? You're ruining my Zen moment!"
Edge : "......"
Bono : "I see. Just make sure you don't get any of that on the deck."

Just then, one of the skittish young Greenpeace activists approaches the Great Green Guitarist, peering over the rail to examine Edge's latest contribution to marine ecology.

Greenpeace Guy : "You know, the acids in your stomach aren't good for most types of algae that float on the sea's surface. You could be disturbing whole biosystems, here. You should be more sensitive."

Edge painstakingly turns his head away from the hippie, only to see Larry, all a-grins, snapping his photo as he leans out over the water. Without a second's hesitation, Edge seizes Larry by the collar, grabs the camera, and dumps it overboard. Sploosh.

Edge : "Oh. Look at that."
Greenpeace Guy : (aghast) "Now look what you've done! My Lord, people!" He storms off, nattering to himself.
Larry : "Temper, temper, Reg. I was just looking for the human angle, you know. People only see the 'cool' you in the papers. Wouldn't you like your fans to see the real you?"
Bono : "Besides, that shot would've made a charming edition to Rolling Stone's Book of Rock Star Vomit."
Edge : "How would you like to go for a swim, Bono?"
Bono : "Not in that water, thank you."

Moments later, the decidedly distraught Greenpeace activist returns.

Greenpeace Guy : "all right, U2. Let's get into the dinghy. We're almost there." He commences passing out the life jackets. "Now remember, tensions are pretty high out there, so this isn't going to be a nice little jaunt. This blockade is serious business, and the Americans aren't going to like us very much. If you start to lose your nerve, just think of all the little fishes that are going to be thankful."

Jaws set with determination, the World's Biggest Rock Band again cram themselves into a tiny rubber vessel to prove a point: Overfishing is Bad. For their efforts, they will receive a plaque from Greenpeace to hang up alongside "Apartheid is Bad", "Nuclear Waste is Bad", and "Torturing Political Prisoners is Bad". As Bono, Edge, and Larry prepare to step into the smaller boat with some of the Greenpeace people, Adam approaches.

Adam : "Let's take that one instead, guys."
Edge : "Why?"
Adam : "Well, I mentioned that I've developed a real fondness for piloting small seafaring craft since we made Pop. All that shuttling back and forth across the river between studios. Anyway, one of the guys said I could take that one if I wanted to." He points to an extra boat. The others look at each other, shrug, and get into the other dinghy. Barely able to conceal his glee, Adam casts off, and the band boat follows three others out towards the enormous blockade already underway off the coast of Vancouver Island.
Bono : "Adam, you're driving this thing like an old woman. Let's get some speed, Boy!"

Adam, ever obliging, places one hand on his hat and throttles the motor. Edge and Larry, seated at the bow, tumble backwards to land in the laps of their bandmates.

Bono : (throwing his arms around their necks) "YEEEEEEEEEHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Edge : (turning still greener) "I really, really, really hate you."

Suddenly, the boat begins to turn in a slow arc to port, veering off the trail of the other Greenpeace vessels and away from the blockade.

Larry : "Um, Adam, where are we going?"
Adam : "I don't know. It's not me- I'm not steering the boat. It's doing that on its own."
Edge : "Perhaps it has a natural pull. Quick, everybody lean this way!"

U2 lean absurdly to one side, tipping the boat slightly, but it continues to obey its own course. Then, abruptly, the motor roars still louder, and the dinghy picks up even more speed.

Larry : "Oh yeah, Adam, that'll help. Quick thinking."
Adam : "I'm not doing that either! This thing's possessed!" As though to prove this, Adam raises his hands in the air. The boat continues on its mad course, taking them further out to sea.
Adam : "Something's not right here." That said, he grabs hold of the rope lining the dinghy and hurls himself over backwards into the water.
Bono : "What, so he's going water skiing?"

Moments later, a sopping-wet Amazing All-Powerful Adam pulls himself back into the speeding boat.

All-Powerful : (sternly) "I think this situation is going to require our superpowers, gentlemen." Agreeing, the guitarist, the singer, and the drummer likewise cannonball off the boat, re-emerging as their superselves.
Boozer : "This is trife, kids. Water and velvet don't mix." He shakes the droplets off of his funky-ass rayglasses.

Lovely Larry, his white tank top now plastered to his sculpted body, begins to fiddle with the motor.

Lovely Larry : "We've got to see if we can shut this thing down before we get lost at sea! Get back here, Electric Erogenous Edge."
Erogenous : "Look at this, Lovely Larry. This motor has been tampered with!"
All-Powerful : (softly, and with great importance) "Sabotage! This is no accident, heroes."
Boozer : (crossing his arms) "Listen all y'all it's Sabotage/ Listen all y'all it's Sabotage!"
Erogenous : "Shut up, Boozer, this is serious."
Boozer : "I'm very serious about the Beastie Boys."
Lovely Larry : "Look! We're almost out of fuel! Is this the end? Gads!" He throws himself, sobbing, into Boozer's lap.
All-Powerful : "This is no time to panic, heroes. We're not licked yet. Bono the Benevolent Boozer, you've got to deal with the fuel situation right now."
Boozer : "No can do, Babycakes. That plan is all busted up."
All-Powerful : (softly, yet with authority) "We all have to make sacrifices, Boozer. Now cough it up."
Boozer : "You'll have to fight me for her, Tiger." He puts up his many-ringed knuckles.
Erogenous : "Boozer, do you want to be seagull food? Now hand her over before I singe your smoking jacket."

Reluctantly and with great drama, Bono the Benevolent Boozer passes over his precious Latifa, his constant companion. With appropriate reverence, Electric Erogenous Edge takes the mother-of-pearl flask of Irish whiskey and pours it into the nearly-empty fuel tank.

Lovely Larry : "But we're still hopelessly lost at sea! There's no land in sight!"
Erogenous : "There's really only one way to deal with this situation, my oh-so-super friends. Let's just go to sleep and hope the problem corrects itself by morning."
All-Powerful : (with great admiration) "Ingenious."
Erogenous : "That's why I'm the brains of this operation, Kiddo." With that, he curls himself into a little ball in the middle of the dinghy and closes his eyes. Shrugging, the others follow suit.

Our heroes awaken cramped and grumpy. Bono the Benevolent Boozer has spent the entire night trying to move his face out of olfactory range of Erogenous' feet, and Lovely Larry has kept everyone awake with the incessant din of his thumb-sucking. But their situation does appear to have improved somewhat.

All-Powerful : "Look, heroes, land! We've washed ashore!"
Erogenous : "Yes, but where?"

Boozer tips his funky-ass rayglasses and surveys the coastline.

Boozer : "Yo yo, boys. Looks like we're not the only crew on this scene." He points to a ragged looking little ship just up the beach. Our heroes disembark to investigate. As they draw nearer to the dilapidated craft, they are able to make out some faded writing on the hull.
Erogenous : "The S.S. Minnow?"
Boozer : "That'll be why it crashed. Ships are supposed to have don't-mess-with-me names. That name is seriously weak."
Voice : "Hey! Don't make fun of my boat!" Our heroes turn to face a skinny, dippy looking guy with a red shirt.
Lovely Larry : "Look, All-Powerful, he's wearing your hat!"
All-Powerful : "Hmm. They do look remarkably alike."
Gilligan : "Who are you guys? You look like superheroes."
All-Powerful : "We are superheroes, my good man. Now, quick, where is the nearest telephone?"
Gilligan : (scratching his head and squinting in the sun) "Beats me. I haven't seen one of those in years."
Lovely Larry : "Why, whatever do you mean? Is this a desert island?"
Gilligan : "Yup, sure is. We're all by ourselves here, except for the occasional hostile natives."
Erogenous : "We?"
Gilligan : "Me 'n the Skipper 'n the others. We've been stuck here for years. Looks like you're stuck now, too. It's not so bad, though. C'mon, I'll introduce you to everybody."

Tired and hungry, our heroes have no choice but to follow Gilligan back to camp.

A whole day has gone by, and none of our heroes have given much thought to getting off the island. Bono the Benevolent Boozer was quick to make friends with Mary-Ann and Ginger, now spending his day fixing fruity drinks while they work on their tans. Boozer croons Elvis tunes and the beach bunnies sigh, a truly picturesque scene. Electric Erogenous Edge has been learning a great deal from the Professor, who has patiently explained every coconut-powered gadget he has built to his eager student. And the Amazing All-Powerful Adam is getting along famously with the Howells, having been invited to join their exclusive country club. The three of them have spent the last ten hours stretched in their lawn chairs, a drink in one hand, a fan in the other, smiling behind their sunglasses. Only Lovely Larry is not enjoying his stay all that much. He is in the middle of losing his third game of Yahtzee to the Skipper when he decides to take action.

Lovely Larry glances over at the beach, where Boozer is methodically applying suntan oil to Ginger's back. He reflects for a moment, then turns to the Skipper and Gilligan.

Lovely Larry : "All right, you two. We have a gi- a commitment- tomorrow, and we need to get off this island. I'll need your help."
Lovely Larry : "Here, Gilligan. I was up all night making this." He hands Gilligan the head of an axe, which he has painstakingly worked out of stone. Gilligan takes a tough vine leaf and affixes the stone to a stick. He then trots off to chop down some trees.
Lovely Larry : (pulling his shirt up over his washboard stomach) "Now, we'll use strips of cloth from my shirt to bind the logs together to make a raft."
Gilligan : "Timber!"
Lovely Larry : "Then, we'll use sap from these trees to seal the logs together. That'll help prevent water seepage, and that should increase the life of the raft."
Skipper : "I wonder how come the Professor never thought of any of this?"
Lovely Larry : "We'll need oars, too. The greener the wood, the better."
Gilligan : "Timber!"

Just then, the Amazing All-Powerful Adam comes up.

All-Powerful : "What's going on here, Lovely Larry?"
Lovely Larry : "I'm building a raft, All-Powerful. I appear to be the only one around here who cares about getting back, and we have a show tomorrow."
All-Powerful : "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? Electric Erogenous Edge! Bono the Benevolent Boozer! Get down here!"

Moments later, Electric Erogenous Edge arrives, the Professor in tow.

Erogenous : "The Professor and I have devised an ingenious way of getting off the island- a raft!"
Gilligan : "Timber!"
Professor : "I've had the theory for a long time, but I needed another scientific mind to bounce my figures off of."
Erogenous : "Here's the working model. Unfortunately, it's not to scale."
All-Powerful : "I applaud your efforts, Electric Erogenous Edge, but Lovely Larry has already commenced construction on what appears to be a perfectly workable raft."
Erogenous : "Oh he has, has he?" He turns to Lovely Larry, eyes narrowed. "So you want to take over as the grey matter, huh? Well, be my guest, Pretty Boy. We'll see how long you last." With that, he throws his toothpick model in the sand at Lovely Larry's feet.
Boozer : (approaching) "Don't wig out, Big E. There's a lotta heads here that just wanna get off this rock.
Gilligan : "Timber!"

Two rafts, complete and workable, rest on the beach the following morning. Our heroes, with the help of the castaways, have been up all night working, and are now curled up, exhausted, on the beach. They are awakened by the whine of a nearby helicopter.

Boozer : "Wha- huh? Oh, man! Hey, you're messin' up my beauty sleep!" As the others are roused, the chopper hovers just over the lagoon, sending ripples out in all directions. There is a burst of static, and a voice crackles over a megaphone, strange and distorted.
Voice : "So, Electric Erogenous Edge. You and the other superchumps have proven to be more resourceful than I thought. Although, Boozer, your behaviour is just exactly what I expected."
All-Powerful : "It's him! It's the arch-villain!"
Erogenous : (stepping forward) "Who are you, and what do you want from us?"
Voice : "Your superheroing days are over. It's just a matter of time until I get what I want."
Erogenous : "You'll never get away with it! We'll find you, and then-"
Lovely Larry : "And then you'll be in trouble!"
Voice : "I look forward to the day, boys. Until then, ta-ta!" With that, the helicopter erupts with gunfire. Our heroes each grab a couple of castaways and hit the deck. The onslaught continues for a full minute. Finally, the helicopter turns and speeds away.

Slowly, everyone picks him or herself up off the beach.

Boozer : (brushing sand from his hair) "This is no good for my luscious locks. And look! Our rafts are seriously messed up."

Sure enough, the rafts are swiss cheese, full of bullet holes from the helicopter.

Erogenous : "That was his intention all along." He puts a comforting hand on Lovely Larry's shoulders.
Lovely Larry : "Don't-" He runs off into the jungle, his arm flung over his eyes.
All-Powerful : "We'll never make the gig now. We can't possibly get off this island in time."

Just then, there is a distant roar in the sky.

Erogenous : "He's coming back! Quick, everyone hide!"
Boozer : "That ain't no chopper. That's a plane, Jane."

No sooner has Boozer said this, Electric Erogenous Edge has thrown himself down in the sand, and is rolling furiously along the beach.

All-Powerful : "Quick thinking, Electric Erogenous Edge! The reflections off your mirrored supersuit are sure to be seen by the pilot!"
Boozer : "I don't think he's signaling the plane, man. Look at that." He points to where Erogenous was standing, smack in the middle of an immense ant hill.

Our heroes clamber aboard the SuperSlammin' Speedboat, Big Daddy at the helm. Salty, sweaty, and sandy, they sit quietly as the boat speeds off to the nearest seaport.

Erogenous : "I can't believe they wanted to stay on the island."
All-Powerful : "Why not? Didn't we pay a lot of dough to go to Jamaica? Why would they want to leave?"
Erogenous : "Hey, Boozer, do you get the sense that our nemesis has it in for me in particular?"
Boozer : "Kinda. But that's only natural, since you're the main C. He was a little too concerned with me, though."
Lovely Larry : "Do you suppose that's a clue?"
Erogenous : "Could be. If we really want to know who this guy is, we've got to start paying close attention."

Just then, there is a loud splash.

Lovely Larry : "What was that?"
Erogenous : (sighing) "It's Boozer. He's gone swimming."