The Amazing Adventures of Electric Erogenous Edge
Episode VII

By Magical Enchantress Erin

Scene I

Sweaty and sticky, the boys file into the shower room backstage at Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe. An unidentified voice congratulates them on a great show as they walk by, but they are silent, still riding the wave of euphoria generated by tens of thousands of frenzied, frolicking fans. Larry cranes his neck from side to side, wincing as it pops back into place. Behind him, Edge cringes at the sound. As they walk towards the showers, Adam empties a bottle of Evian over his head, sighing and running his hand over his hair.

Fully clothed, the four men enter the same shower. Larry stands aside and Edge walks up to the back wall of the shower and grasps one of the knobs.

His brow furrowed in concentration, he turns it to the left, muttering to himself as he does so.

Edge : Hmm... 45 degrees for Dublin, 90 degrees for New York...

Edge smiles in satisfaction as the back wall begins to rumble and shake. It turns ever so slowly, tiles scraping, to reveal a secret room, which the lads enter without hesitation. Adam presses a button on the wall to return the shower wall to its normal position as Bono approaches a man-sized hole in the opposite wall of the dark room. He slides his legs into the hole and folds his arms over his chest. Larry gives him a shove and he is off, lying on his back and rocketing through the underground networks of the Totally Tubular TurboTube. He hears the tell-tale swish of his bandmates slipping into the tube behind him. His eyes water at the incredible speed, and within moments he is fired out the other end of the tube, exiting through the microwave in the tiny kitchenette of Principle Management, New York. Karyn Kaplan is forced to leap aside just in time, barely managing to hold on to her pizza pop.

Karyn : (peevishly) You know, Bono, we’re really going to have to make other arrangements.

Just as she finishes speaking, Adam pops out feet first, followed almost instantly by Edge, who rams into Adam, who in turn knocks Bono. By the time Larry arrives, the guitar player is kissing linoleum, the singer is getting fresh with Karyn, and the bassist has his bottom hopelessly wedged in the sink. Larry is the only one left standing.

Larry : (surveying the room) And they thought it was the big TV that cost this tour so much...
Adam : Uh, Larry, I hate to interrupt your musing, but do you think you could be so good?

He extends his hand for Larry to help him. After the boys have finished dusting themselves and Karyn off, they grab some beverages and follow her into the tiny reception area.

Karyn : So how was the show?
Bono : Good. I think we finally learned our lesson about playing the weekend of my birthday. Our next show isn’t until Monday.
Adam : (pensively) I really like touring these last couple of records. I’m slowly beginning to realize that I’m the man.

Larry snorts derisively.

Larry : Yeah- the man who follows my lead.
Bono : Come now, children, we all know who the man is. It’s Reg! How can you argue with those shoes!

He slaps the guitarist on the back. Edge obligingly examines his fancy-ass footwear for the ninth time today. Just then, the phone at Karyn’s desk rings. She excuses herself.

Edge : So, Bono, I especially liked the part where you forgot the words to Last Night on Earth. I thought that was a nice touch.
Bono : Don’t get snarky, Edge. At least I didn’t play half a song in the wrong key. You’ll notice we didn’t have to start again this time.
Larry : Besides, Edge, I would’ve thought you’d be used to that by now. Bono can’t even remember the words to Beatles tunes.
Adam : Or Bob Dylan...
Edge : Or ABBA-
Larry : Bob Marley-
Adam : Elvis Presley-
Karyn : Guys! Terrible news! I’ve got Jerry Mele on the phone!

She waves the band into her office and punches speaker phone.

Jerry : Boss! You there?
Bono : Yeah, Jerry. What’s up?
Jerry : It’s the arch! Someone’s stolen it!
Bono : Huh? What arch?
Jerry : The PopMart arch, Boss! It’s been lifted, literally!
Larry : But how is that possible? It’s too big. And who would take it? And why? Why would they take our arch, Reg? Why?

It is painfully clear that Larry is on the verge of tears. Edge steadies him.

Jerry : It was Ronald McDonald! He showed up in the McHelicopter, and all these Fry Guys shimmied down ropes and hooked cables onto the arch. We would’ve done something, but the Hamburgler was pointing an AK-47 at us from the chopper.
Edge : (red-faced) Why that depraved, evil-minded, degenerate, heartless, fiendish-
Bono : No time for chit-chat, CrazyCat. We’ve got a ‘copter-flyin’ french-fryin’ burger Bozo to Bag.

Scene II

Our heroes creep stealthily along the outer perimeter of Ronald’s McMansion on Coney Island, ducking periodically behind shrubbery that is immaculately trimmed to resemble Grimace. They eye the gate- a giant, cast-iron ‘M’- ruefully. There doesn’t seem to be any way to get through without alerting security, and the heroes are totally outnumbered. There is, however, only one guard at the gate itself, and he looks extremely bored. This presents Electric Erogenous Edge with an idea. Before the others know what he is doing, he stands up straight and approaches the guard non-chalantly.

Erogenous : Excuse me. Have you had your break today?(TM).
Guard : Why no, I haven’t. With that, he abandons his post to take his break.

Grinning fiendishly, Erogenous presses the button that opens the gate.

All-Powerful : Good thinking, Electric Erogenous Edge! Now we’d better split up. Bono the Benevolent Boozer, you and Lovely Larry try to find the arch. Electric Erogenous Edge and I will attempt to track down Ronald and his evil McAllies.
Boozer : Righto. He turns to Lovely Larry. Let’s mambo, Baby.

In a flourish of red velvet, Boozer disappears around the back of the house, his sidekick in tow. The Amazing All-Powerful Adam and Electric Erogenous Edge enter the house.

All-Powerful : Alright. Now if you were a carcinogenic-beef-peddling, as-if-that’s actually-chicken-serving, mad-cow-disease-spreading, dubious-orange-drink-selling, geometric-shape-hoarding fast food clown, where would you be?
Erogenous : Uh... the kitchen?
All-Powerful : God help us...

Scene III
Bono the Benevolent Boozer and Lovely Larry are crouching near the dirty window of an enormous old shed, arguing.

Lovely Larry : We can’t just walk right in there, Boozer. What if there’s someone inside?
Boozer : I’m down with that eventuality. The Fly is feelin’ frisky.
Lovely Larry : We can’t go crashing around, Boozer. We’ll lose the element of surprise. We’ve got to make sure that no one’s in there before we check to see if the arch is hidden somewhere nearby. We need a plan. Where’s Erogenous when you need him?
Boozer : O ye of little faith. I can out-ponder that pooch anyday. Wait! I’ve got the Dream Scheme!
Lovely Larry : What is it?

Boozer explains to Lovely Larry that his plan is quite simple. He grabs his confused sidekick by the wrists and begins to spin around as fast as he can. Lovely Larry is swung madly about, and Boozer continues, picking up speed. Finally, he lets go of Lovely Larry’s wrists, crying, Achtung Baby! and flings him shoulders-first through the window of the shed. In a clamoring explosion of glass, Lovely Larry tumbles to the floor of the shed. He lies in a heap, stunned. From through the window he hears Bono the Benevolent Boozer’s voice.

Boozer : The lack of motion confirms my notion that no one is in there.

Lovely Larry sighs, rolls his eyes, and stands up, brushing glass from his hair.

Lovely Larry : That lacked a certain amount of style, Boozer.
Boozer : (grinning in the doorway) Swagger, no style.
Lovely Larry : Let’s get out of here.
Boozer : (looking over Lovely Larry’s shoulder) No go, Twinkle Toes. Check that.

He points to a tarp draped over something that covers most of the floor. Lovely Larry flings back some of the tarp. Sure enough, it’s the arch. Boozer immediately places a call on the Super Cybernetic Cell Phone.

Scene IV
Meanwhile, Electric Erogenous Edge and The Amazing All-Powerful Adam are stashed behind a large fern, watching Ronald McDonald busy himself about the kitchen. The clown has his back to the plant, and as such our heroes are having a hard time discerning what he is up to.
All-Powerful : (whispering) Hmm... he appears to be making some new kind of food...
Erogenous : Then we got here just in time! There’s no telling what evil concoction he could be drumming up!
All-Powerful : What’s that white stuff? And... Good Lord! What is that meat?!
Erogenous : It’s... it’s... it’s a McFalafel!!!

Our heroes are immobilized with horror, staring wide-eyed at the hideous pita pocket in Ronald’s hands. The clown examines it and grins wickedly. It all looks very Stephen King.

All-Powerful : He’s putting processed cheese food(TM) in it. And Special Sauce(TM).
Erogenous : (aghast) And relish?! I can’t take it anymore!!! Let’s get him!

With that, our heroes burst forth from behind the fern and rush into the kitchen. The Amazing All-Powerful Adam grab’s Ronald McDonald’s wrists and binds them with the extra-tough strips of fresh lettuce, and Electric Erogenous Edge stops his mouth with a Comforting Potato Roll. (Editor’s note: Does anyone else wonder how the hell a bun can be comforting?) Just as all the commotion subsides, Bono the Benevolent Boozer and Lovely Larry dash into the room to offer their support.

All-Powerful : Relax, comrades. Electric Erogenous Edge and I have subdued the villain. We have saved the world from his latest evil brainstorm - the McFalafel.
Boozer : McFalafel? That sounds mad ill.
All-Powerful : (shuddering) You cannot possibly imagine.
Lovely Larry : Erogenous! What are you doing?!

The other heroes turn to gaze in horror as Electric Erogenous Edge takes another huge bite of the soggy-looking pita. He wipes McChicken sauce off his chin.

Erogenous : It has a certain Je ne sais quoi.

Scene V
U2 stand nearby as the PopMart arch is raised back into place in Cotton Bowl Stadium, Dallas, after having been picked up by Big Daddy in the PsychoSonic Super Semi. They watch contentedly. Only Lovely Larry looks troubled, his brows knit together in consternation.

Edge : What’s eatin’ ya, Larry?
Larry : I can’t help but wonder what prompted Ronald McDonald to steal the arch in the first place. I mean, what’s he get out of it? He wasn’t doing anything with it. And having it up there is free publicity for him. Now he just looks like a big sniveling loser for taking it. Why bother? Why pester us?
Adam : Good point.
Bono : I for one refuse to give them enough credit to think through the pros and cons.
Edge : Wasn’t there that rumour, though, about that new huge shareholder in McDonald’s? You know, the one that bought up so much stock?
Adam : Yeah, that’s right. I wonder who that was?
Larry : Don’t you see? I’ll bet it’s that same guy, the same tosser that’s been hounding us since Episode II! He’s found another sneaky way of getting someone else to do the dirty work. If he can’t eliminate us, he’ll ruin us!
Edge : You’re right! It must be him. Who else? We’ve got to find him, Heroes, whoever he is. We’ve got to find him and stop him, before he destroys us.

With grim determination, our heroes stare silently out at the sunset, their jaws fixed and their eyes squinted. They are alone with their thoughts for a moment. But only a very short moment.

Bono : OK, that’s quite enough of that. It’s my birthday. Let’s go get drunk.

The band wanders off, but their thoughts are still plagued by one nagging reality: it may be a longer tour than they expected.

THE END