Edge runs his hand over his short hair ruefully. His expression, as he looks at himself in the mirror, is part contemplative, part troubled. It's been a very long time since his coif was this courte, and an even longer time since it's been exposed to the light. Bono's reflection peers over his shoulder, reminding both men of one of the scenes from the video for Discotheque.

Bono : "So Eve comes home from school one day, and she says, 'Daddy, Tommy told me that his daddy told him that men aren't supposed to have earrings. How come you have earrings, Daddy?' So I simply said to her, 'Well, Sweetie, you just tell Tommy that his daddy doesn't understand, because his daddy isn't a super-famous rock 'n' roll star."
Edge : (distractedly) "Are you sure it looks alright? I mean, I don't know..."
Bono : "Reg, I'm telling you, you'll get used to it. Trust me. You remember when I got my hair cut back in '90? Eight inches, baby."
Edge : (sighing) "I suppose. It's just that I can't remember the last time it was this short. It's just so different."
Bono : "Look at it this way." He lowers his voice. "At least you're willing to change your haircut."

Just then, Larry strolls in.

Bono : "Speak of the devil..."
Edge : "Maybe I should dye my hair. Whaddya think? Blue, maybe? Or how about red? I think I'd look fetching in a nice scarlet."
Bono : (impatiently) "I'm the one with the rave look, Edge. You can't out-rave me. I rave. You don't rave."
Edge : "Whatever."
Larry : "You're such a wanker, Bono." He moves off.
Bono : "What's up his chuff?"
Edge : "You know Larry. The thought of going out on tour reminds him of all the ass-kissing and overt adulation he'll have to put up with. He'll need time to readjust. Ooh! What about hot pink? With stripes! And, Bono, you can get a nose ring! Yes! I'm on a roll now..."
Larry : (reappearing) "Just what he needs... something to accentuate the nose."

Bono fires Larry a withering look. Larry grins.

Larry : "Thought I missed the hair comment, didn't you?"

Suddenly, there is a flash of gold in the mirror and a rush of air in the room. After a few moments of struggling to wrestle himself out of the folds of his billowing cape, The Amazing All-Powerful Adam stands in the center of the room, hands on hips.

All-Powerful : "Hurry up, boys. I'm afraid another day of world-saving is upon us. Chop-chop, now, change into your supersuits and let's go! I have the Hummin' Hip-Hop Harleys warmed up. I'll explain on the way."

Our heroes roar into the Dublin airport at top speed, heading straight for the SuperStylin' 727. Electric Erogenous Edge is in the lead as they board the plane, and he is in such a hurry that he very nearly runs into Sassy Suave Stingray, decked in his usual skintight white vinyl smattered with sparklies. Stingray deftly steps aside, gallantly allowing Erogenous to run into the bulkhead instead.

Erogenous : (recovering) "Sassy Suave Stingray! I thought you were on tour!"
Stingray : "Well of course I was, but when I heard the news, I just knew you'd need all the help you could get. That's why I brought UltraAwesome Annie with me."

Stingray gestures behind him at UltraAwesome Annie, resplendent in her dark mauve velour bodysuit and bewitching kaleidoscope cape. Bono the Benevolent Boozer is positively tickled to see his old friends, and they all shake hands and embrace.

Boozer : "The grooviest greetings to you, my brother and sister. It's like Live Aid all over again."
All-Powerful : "Yes, Bono the Benevolent Boozer, and the matter is every bit as serious. UltraAwesome Annie, you fly the plane, and Sassy Suave Stingray and I will explain to the others what awaits us."

UltraAwesome steps confidently into the cockpit and begins pre-flight procedures.

All-Powerful : "This is a situation of much gravity, heroes. There's a concert going on this afternoon in Central Park, New York City. It's a sort of theme concert. It's going to be hosted by Fabio, and performing will be Kenny G, Diana Ross, Tiffany, Tom Jones, Barbara Streisand, Julio Iglesias-"

All-Powerful does not notice that as he is speaking, Bono the Benevolent Boozer is slowly curling himself into the fetal position.

All-Powerful : "-Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow, Yanni, Debbie Gibson-"
Erogenous : (bellowing) "Enough! You've convinced us, All-Powerful. This concert is indeed a threat to the health of those unfortunate concert-goers. It must be stopped."

All-Powerful looks grimly and meaningfully at Stingray, who shakes his head sadly.

Stingray : "I'm afraid it's more serious still, my friend. As All-Powerful mentioned, it's a bit of a theme concert. That's because these artists have all pooled their money together and are planning to purchase a television station, devoted exclusively to playing their music. And, as it turns out-" he takes a deep breath- "that television station is MTV."

Bono the Benevolent Boozer clutches his hair in both fists and begins to rock back and forth. A low, tortured moan escapes his lips. The veins in Lovely Larry's neck bulge, and Electric Erogenous Edge turns ghostly pale. He begins to shiver.

Erogenous : "This isn't possible. Tom Freston would never agree-"
All-Powerful : "We believe that he is under some kind of hypnosis. In any case, he's not protesting. In fact, there's a ceremony at the end of the concert, during which Freston will sign over MTV, right there on stage."

There is a thick, bitter silence for a moment, which is soon drowned out as the SuperStylin' 727 roars into takeoff.

All-Powerful : "So, heroes, you can appreciate the severity of the situation. That's why I've contacted all of our superallies. Many more await us in America. Until we arrive, I suggest we all try to get some sleep. Take our minds off it."
Erogenous : "What a sick, sick joke that is."

They are met at JFK by a superhero wearing supertight shredded jeans, a white shirt with the sleeves ripped off, and a red cape. He also has a red bandana tied around his head.

Boozer : "Hot time, daddy-o. If it isn't Bionic Bowie Knife Boss. How's it rollin', Boss Baby?"
Boss : "Cool to see you again, Boozer. I wish it were under different circumstances."
Boozer : "Word. Looks like there's been some serious hero hype."

Looking around, Boozer can see Miracle Michael and Valorous Velvety Vedder. Nearby, a group of four men stands huddled around their tiny leader, Sensational Seductor Stipe, and next to them stand Aerosmith, led by Terrific Toughman Tyler. Bionic Bowie Knife Boss nods approvingly.

Boss : "Good. Everyone's here except for the Canadians. They should arrive soon."

On cue, another airplane comes to a halt beside the SuperStylin' 727, and out of this craft comes Nimble Neil and also Godly Gord, trailing the rest of The Tragically Hip.

Erogenous : "It's a good thing everyone has come out for this one. I don't think we could have handled it alone."
Boss : "Yeah. It reminds me of the time that you guys, Nimble Neil and I set out to vanquish disco."
Boozer : "Was there ever some Hoola Hoopla over that. I get warm fuzzy vibes just ruminatin' on it."
Boss : "Listen up, heroes." The other heroes gather around. "Valorous Velvety Vedder and I have checked out the venue, and there's no sign of Freston. That means they have him stashed somewhere. If our foes get wind of our alliance, they'll keep him safely hidden and sign the papers somewhere else, in secret. The only way to stop this thing is to make sure that the concert continues until Freston appears on stage. Then we'll have to snap him out of it."
Godly Gord : (in his quiet, distracted voice) "Um... Excuse me, Bionic Bowie Knife Boss. But, like... I personally don't want to stand around and let innocent people be subjected to that kind of torture."
Erogenous : "I agree. We can't just stand by and allow the concert to go ahead. There's millions of people in New York City. Their lives would be sacrificed. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen!" He shakes his fist at the sky.
All-Powerful : "But like Bionic Bowie Knife Boss said, we can't stop the concert. They'd flee before we could catch them."
Lovely Larry : (pensively massaging his well-defined jaw) "What if we kidnap the performers one by one, disguise ourselves as them, and take their place?"

Murmurs of approval ripple through the grouping of superheroes. They huddle to decide who will replace whom.

Sensational Seductor Stipe is not convinced. He stares at himself, reflected in Erogenous' mirrored supersuit, not quite believing what he is wearing. The loincloth is bad enough, but the long blonde wig is just too much to take.

Seductor : "I look like the lion from the Wizard of Oz." Velvety : (mumbling) "No you don't, man. You fully look like Fabio. So you've lost a few pounds." He grins and laughs a little, then turns to Nimble Neil. "Don't you think?" Nimble Neil : "Sure. No one will know the difference. All you have to do is go out there and introduce everyone as they come on." Erogenous : "Don't forget the accent, though. And you have to keep reminding everyone that you're Fabio."

With that, he shoves Sensational Seductor Stipe out onto the stage. Women scream. The real Fabio, locked in a nearby port-a-potty, wonders what the commotion is about. He shrugs.

Fabio : "I am Fabio."

Sensational Seductor Stipe spends a little time on the stage as possible. He quickly announces that the first performer will be Kenny G, and hurriedly withdraws. From stage left enters Terrific Toughman Tyler, proudly sporting a mass of Sideshow Bob hair and toting a recorder. (The heroes could not, try as they might, pry the saxophone from Kenny G's hands.) He gleefully begins to play an almost recognizable version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The fans flick their Bics, hold hands, and sway. They cheer whenever a note cracks, the more learned among them complimenting Kenny G's command of the altissimo register.

Meanwhile, Miracle Michael is about to live a life-long dream. He and Sassy Suave Stingray are wriggling into dresses and heels, while UltraAwesome Annie and Godly Gord help to fit them with wigs. Miracle Michael is easily believable as Diana Ross, but Stingray has trouble stuffing his bulging muscles into Barbara Streisand's evening gown. The phony Diana Ross hurries off as the counterfeit Kenny G leaves the stage to thunderous applause. Sassy Suave Stingray is just finishing with his lipstick when Bionic Bowie Knife Boss approaches in a shiny black leisure suit. He appears highly uncomfortable.

Stingray : "Why, Bionic Bowie Knife Boss, I think you make a very charming Tom Jones. The platform shoes are absolutely stunning."
Boss : (clenching and unclenching his fists, looking around nervously) "Shut up, man, or I'll hurt you."
Stingray : "Ready for our duet?"
Boss : "Can you hit the high note?"
Stingray : (with considerable disgust) "Please."

While Valorous Velvety Vedder, Godly Gord, and Nimble Neil guard the abducted performers, and our four heroes have been charged with the task of finding Tom Freston, CEO of MTV. They have searched the entire backstage area, to no avail. Boozer is beginning to panic.

Boozer : "This is brutal, boys. If we don't find that CrazyKitten soon, our crew will be through."
All-Powerful : "Don't panic, heroes. We must maintain focus if we are to succeed. Wait! What's that?"

All-Powerful points a gloved finger. Just outside the park, on the other side of a large chain-link fence, is a white van. In the passenger side is Tom Freston, looking woozy.

Erogenous : "By my shiny shorts, it's him! Quick, over the fence!"

Lovely Larry is the first to get over, taking the chain links in his manly hands and propelling himself upward, fluid and powerful. Boozer is last, sitting at the top for a moment to catch his breath before starting down the other side. Freston is unguarded, but he is totally dazed. His eyes are glassy, and he doesn't recognize the heroes. He simply keeps repeating, "Must sign. Must sign."

Erogenous : "How do we snap him out of it?"

All-Powerful claps his hands in front of Freston's face, but he doesn't even blink. Boozer sings loud falsetto in his ear. Nothing. All-Powerful even slaps him, but Tom doesn't budge.

All-Powerful : "I don't know what else to try. It's hopeless."

The heroes stand helplessly for a moment, looking at each other. They notice Lovely Larry's lower lip quivering. His eyes well up, and he bows his head. A single, perfect tear slides down his downy-soft cheek and drops, plink, onto Freston's forehead. Suddenly, Freston blinks and sits bolt upright.

Freston : "Wha- ? Where am I?"
Boozer : "Dope, baby! Now we're ready to ramalama!"
All-Powerful : "But look at this! We'll never get back to the stage in time! Not unless we can fly!"
Lovely Larry : "Wait a minute! Erogenous, what about your boots?"
Erogenous : (snapping his fingers) "Of course! My super lithium-powered rocket boots! I forgot about them- they haven't been mentioned since Episode I!" With that, he grabs Freston and fires the boots, rocketing towards the stage, where Sensational Seductor

Stipe is announcing that he is Fabio. For their part, the audience is still enjoying the concert.

The Amazing All-Powerful Adam shakes hands with Sassy Suave Stingray.

All-Powerful : "Thanks again for helping us out. We can count on you to get the European heroes home?"
Stingray : "Of course. Perhaps we'll see you on tour?"
All-Powerful : "Until then."

Meanwhile, Bono the Benevolent Boozer and Bionic Bowie Knife Boss are chatting over a pitcher.

Boss : "You know, Boozer, I was meaning to talk to you about this Discotheque thing..."

The Amazing All-Powerful Adam sighs blissfully. Once again, MTV is safe to play the same eight inane videos on heavy rotation, with a smattering of lame shows for pre-teen shut-ins. All is right with the world.