A typical evening in Dublin finds the streets wet, cold and quiet. The very air seems to advise one to stay home, and the people one is likely to meet, should this advice go unheeded, are not much warmer. Only the pubs offer any cheer. So it was this night as our favourite lads sat grumpily at the bar in one such local pub, a few blocks away from Windmill Lane studios.

Edge : "I'm ready to give up! There's no way we can do it live. There's just too much! I only have so many limbs!"
Bono : (Calmly lighting a cigarette) "You say that every tour, Reg. We know you can do it."
Edge : (Petulantly) "You could make yourself useful, Bono. It's not like you can't play all of the instruments in question."
Bono : "Come now. I'm much too important for that. I need to make my presence on the stage."
Larry : "Oh, please."
Bono : "What you don't seem to realize, Ringo, is that the audience needs something to look at, and it certainly can't be you."
Adam : "You know, instead of bickering about this, we might remember that we haven't got much time left to decide what we're going to do about the tour, either."

The other three stare grimly into their Guinness, contemplating the enormous task of topping Zoo TV. A few moments later, the melancholy silence is broken as English pop sensation Oasis breezes into the pub. Heads turn to observe the scruffy young men standing near the doorway.

Liam : "That's right. Take a good look at the greatest band in the world."

Several stray Irishmen grumble, but the comment otherwise goes unacknowledged. Oasis stomps up to the bar and orders drinks. They fail to notice U2 at the other end.

Noel : (Loudly) "You know, Liam, I've yet to find a pub on this whole island worth gracing with our presence."
Liam : "To be perfectly blunt, Noel, I find little endearing about this country. Take their music, for example. Any self-respecting Irishman would say that it's all 'shite'."

Bono's eyebrows shoot up, and Adam puts a restraining hand on his shoulder. Larry stands and strolls up to the Englishmen.

Larry : "Hello, boys. Nice to see you again."
Noel : "Oh... sorry, Larry. Didn't see you guys there. Just talk, you know. No need to make a big deal about it."
Larry : "Oh, no. Not a problem. So, I heard you guys left the stage in Vancouver."
Liam : "Yeah! Those crazy, rowdy Canadians threw a shoe at me! Like a was a monkey!"

**Editor's note: In the interest of a clean, family-oriented dialogue, the Gallaghers' speech has been drastically edited to omit certain not-so-gentle euphemisms.**

Larry : "Well, you know, I've had shoes thrown at me. They even hit me a couple o' times. But I never left."
Liam : "But you don't understand, Larry. Those Canadians are nuts!"

Just to Noel's left, a young man in hiking boots looks up from his beer. He is wearing a large backpack with a Canadian flag sewn on it. U2 takes note of this, but Oasis does not.

Liam : "They're animals! They have no manners and no culture!"
Noel : "And their beer!"

Bono, Adam and Edge grab their drinks and move hurriedly to a booth in the corner. Larry follows, leaving Liam shaking his head.

Liam : "Shameful waste of hops."

It takes about four and a half seconds for Noel to realize that he's just had a chair busted over his head. It takes another one-and-a-half seconds for the situation to deteriorate into a full-out bar brawl. U2 sits undisturbed in their booth, sipping their drinks and watching the debris fly.

Larry : "I thought Canadians were supposed to be quiet, peaceful people."
Edge : "They are, until you insult their beer."
Larry : "A lesson well-learned."

Adam leans inward. holding his coffee protectively as Alan White, drummer for Oasis, has his head rammed into the side of Adam's seat.

Bono : "What's this? I've just been paged on the super-sonic electro-static Boozer-beeper. It's from Big Daddy!"
Adam : "What does it say?"
Bono : "It says 'Make haste, Heroes, immediate mobilization necessary to face-'... Hmm. That's all. We've got to teach him to use smaller words."
Adam : "We've been trying for years. He'll never get it right."

Without another word, our heroes dash from the pub and into an alley. When they're sure no one is looking, they zap instantly to their headquarters at The Factory. They find themselves standing in the dark. Just as Larry's eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, a bright light flashes on.

Bono has to work very hard to unstick his eyes. Squinting into the light, he can barely make out the blurred but unmistakably shiny form of Electric Erogenous Edge. He tries to speak, but his tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth.

Erogenous : "Get up, Bono! We have to hurry! There's a fire at the linen factory!"
Bono : (Croaking) "You can't be serious. @*#! off." He rolls over and slaps a pillow over his head.
Erogenous : "You don't understand! That's the factory where all of the polyester leisure suits, velvet smoking jackets, and other tacky retro-wear are manufactured!"

Bono sits bolt upright, the cobwebs vanishing instantly. He seizes Erogenous by the front of his supersuit and yanks him close.

Bono : "You're saying my entire wardrobe is at stake."
Erogenous : "Exactly! Let's go!"

A split-second later, Electric Erogenous Edge and Bono the Benevolent Boozer race into the foyer.

All-Powerful : "Good, now we're all here! How do you feel, Bono the Benevolent Boozer?"
Boozer : (On the run) "No time to lose, Coolcats. Let's jet."

The heroes clamber into their mirrorball Herohummer and rumble away into the early morning.

Smoke curls out of the windows of the old factory building as our heroes race into the parking lot and push through the gathering crowd. The onlookers begin to embrace each other and weep with joy at the arrival of their sparkly saviours.

Onlooker : "Oh look! It's those local superheroes with impenetrable, unrecognizable disguises! O joyous day!"

As the lads approach the endangered building, Boozer holds out his arms to restrain his comrades.

Boozer : "Do you smell that? It's the tie-dye! The tie-dye is burning! Lord, I beseech you, not the tie-dye!!"

The heroes race inside. All around them, clothes are aflame. Neither velour, nor velvet, nor lustrous, soft-to-the-touch acetate is spared. Bono the Benevolent Boozer cries out in anguish and swoons. The Amazing All-Powerful Adam steadies him.

All-Powerful : "No, Bono the Benevolent Boozer! You musn't allow despair to overcome you! Think, man! We must find a way to extinguish this inferno!"

Boozer moans softly and shakes his head. The Amazing All-Powerful Adam grabs his shoulders and shakes him vigorously. When Boozer still fails to respond, All-Powerful slaps his face. Boozer blinks for a moment.

All-Powerful : (sternly) "I did not wish to resort to violence, Boozer, but you left me no choice. Are you steady?"

Meanwhile, Electric Erogenous Edge and Lovely Larry have been racing back and forth between the washroom and the flames, water cupped in their hands. After several trips and no noticeable change in the flames, Lovely Larry has an insight.

Lovely Larry : "Wait a minute, Erogenous! Take off your helmet and fill it with water!"
Erogenous : (eyes wide with horror) "Never!"
Lovely Larry : (exasperated) "Do you have a better idea?"
Erogenous : "As a matter of fact I do. We'll tilt your head to a ninety-degree angle and fill your ear with water. Then, I'll push down on your head and let go. When your head snaps up, you'll fling the water onto the flames!"

This sounds reasonable to Lovely Larry, and they are about to put this idea to the test when The Amazing All-Powerful Adam, who has been tending to the mortified Boozer, turns and sees them.

All-Powerful : "What are you doing?! This is no time for antics! The fire is spreading!"
Erogenous : "At least we're trying something!"
Boozer : "At ease, Busy Bees. I have an idea."

Bono the Benevolent Boozer tilts his funky-ass rayglasses and presses a button on the arm. Tiny infra-red lasers shoot from the glasses and strike the water pipes running across the roof of the building, rupturing them. The jury-rigged sprinkler system works in no time, and the fire is extinguished.

All-Powerful : "Good thinking, Bono the Benevolent Boozer!"

All-Powerful and Erogenous congratulate Boozer as Lovely Larry stoops to pick something up.

Lovely Larry : "Look at this, Heroes. It's a kerosene can. This fire was set!"
Boozer : (aghast) "What? Who would do such a thing? What evil, depraved, sick mind would conspire to ruin these?" He holds up a pair of orange silk slacks.
All-Powerful : "To be sure I do not know. But consider this, Heroes. Had we arrived a few moments later, this entire building would have collapsed with us inside. We'd have been killed!"
Erogenous : "Hmm. That's an uncomfortable coincidence. Who told us about this fire?"
All-Powerful : "Big Daddy. I don't know how he found out - there wasn't time to ask."
Boozer : "Intense. This sounds like a set-up from the get-up."
All-Powerful : "I agree. But who? General Gavin?"
Boozer : "Are you tripping? That Smooth Criminal is one kitsch cat. He's the one who taught me my fashion sense. No chance, Groovypants."
Lovely Larry : (his powerful jaw tightening) "I'll bet it's the same evil overlord who gave us the slip last episode. He's back to finish what he started."
Erogenous : "He never left. Whoever he is, he won't stop until we're done in."
Lovely Larry : (flexing his mighty muscles) "He can just try it. I'll take him on."
All-Powerful : "Hmm. We'd best be wary, Heroes. I think it's clear now that we're dealing with an arch nemesis, worse even than General Gavin. Until we find out who it is and stop him, we're vulnerable."

Just then, the super-duper electro-magnetic Boozer-beeper goes off. Bono the Benevolent Boozer grabs it and reads.

Boozer : "'Heroes, crisis at pier near Windmill Lane. Hurry.' Looks like another ring-ding time, Hip Cats."
All-Powerful : "Let's get going. And, Heroes, I know we had a rough night last night, but let's try and think a little more super, all right?"

With that, the Funky Four jump back into the mirrorball Herohummer and thunder away, rolling over parked cars and bicycles to face what will prove to be a very long day...